Re-Entry, Processing, and How Was Africa

I hate these words.  All of them. 

I don't want to "re-enter."  I don't know how to re-enter. 
I don't want to "process."  I don't know how to process.
What do those words even mean?  How do you take your entire family to the other side of the world, to a world that is nothing like the one you live in and then re-enter...process.

How do I begin to answer the question, "How was Africa?"  (Don't get me wrong, I know people mean well when they ask...it is just really hard to answer this.)

A great friend has reminded me this time around that "re-entry" is similar to grief.  After all, we are grieving the loss of something...a place/people we love.  So as I think over the stages of grief, I find myself somewhere between denial/isolation and anger.  I don't want to allow myself to think about all that happened.  I have emotionally disconnected myself.  If I "go there" I might just break down.  If I re-live all that was...I will just grow sad that it is over.  If I come to terms with the reality of Uganda, I may never go back.  So I deny...refuse to think about it.  I have isolated myself.  I don't really want to talk to people.  I don't want to answer the question "How was Africa?" That would require me to re-live it and remember...I am in denial.

Then the anger piece starts to creep in.  Why did I have to come home?  Why did I ever go in the first place?  Why do I love people that live so far away? And I just get kind of mad. 

I know that in time I will move past these things, but right now...it is hard.  I don't want to go back to "normal" life, but I don't know where to go from here.  Each day I awake and pray, "Lord, I don't know what this day holds, but I am praying for your grace to take the next step.  Lead me, Father.  Lead me."

If you have gone a trip like this before you are thinking, "Yup...I know that feeling."  If you have not, you are thinking, "Umm...you probably need to check into a hospital and get on some meds."  Let me ease all of your worry...this is normal.  I struggled in October too.  It was different, but it was still a struggle.  I will resurface soon.  It may take awhile and I will be changed, but I will. 

Until then...
I will wake up and go through the motions and
miss this...